Rockin'

(Muse speaks in a blue font. Siren in red. And Jenn? In boring ol' black. Don't know what we're talking about? Check out this post: Does Your Creativity Have a Name?)

My little monkey sleeps in his swing today. He rocks back and forth, off in his baby dreamworld, trying to block out the sound of his mother tapping away on the keyboard and then deleting everything. This is my opportunity to write. But nothing productive comes.

Back and forth. As the swing rocks forward, I think I know what I want to write about. The swing goes backward and I've lost all sense of direction. Ethan is staying in generally the same place. So am I. Not accomplishing anything.

I feel as if I'm in a small boat. One that's being tossed about by the waves. Just rocking back and forth, not making progress. Muse and Siren battling it out. Muse rocks me forward. Siren rocks me back.

What is it that's holding me back? I think about it as I watch my son. I listen to his gentle snoring.

It's not writer's block. I have ideas. Maybe too many of them. Maybe that's what's paralyzing me right now.

I know what it is. It's a four letter word. Fear. But fear of what?

It's not the fear of failure. I'm used to that, I've lost count of the number of rejections I've received on my first Young Adult work.

And then a cold, drenching wave crashes over me. It's fear of success. The thought startles me, as I'm chilled to the bones. Why in the world would I be afraid of success? Maybe I'm afraid of actually writing something people will enjoy. Maybe I'm afraid my writing will reveal too much of the hidden things in my heart. Maybe I'm afraid success will change everything.

One thing I do know. Perfect love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18).

I must be bold enough to step out of the boat. It feels safe, but it will lead me nowhere. I mus

t take a step of faith. Walk towards Jesus on the water. Yeah, I might get wet. Soaked even. Waves might crash over my head. But I think I'd rather take that chance than just rock back and forth for the rest of my life.

So I'll go read my Bible now, as I read about God's perfect love. And I'll smile as I listen to my son's snores that are crescendoing right now while the waves are slowing.