So I'm participating in Heather Webb's Query Corral Blog Hop. Basically, you post your query and give/receive feedback on it. Sounds cool already, but throw in some prizes and I am so there. So, let the awesomeness begin--any and all feedback is GREATLY appreciated! Thanks! :)Dear Awesome Agent,
When classmates begin exhibiting unlimited creativity with complete unawareness of what they are doing until after their masterpiece is complete, Ivy, senior editor of the newspaper, rushes to research the cause. Among those exhibiting bursts of creativity is Ivy's own basketball star brother, Sage, who can suddenly create vibrant paintings, sketches, and murals, though he's never taken a single art class. While the rest of the school embraces the creative events that unfold, Ivy is unconvinced the episodes are a positive thing.
Then the episodes begin to happen more often. And the side effects begin. One of which kills a classmate. Terrified, Sage joins her in a desperate attempt to piece together the mystery of the creative episodes before he or someone else gets seriously hurt. Or before the source of the increased creativity can be unleashed on the entire unsuspecting school.
RIGHT STATE OF MIND is a YA science-fiction/mystery completed at 53,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
When classmates begin exhibiting unlimited creativity with complete unawareness of what they are doing until after their masterpiece is complete, Ivy, senior editor of the newspaper, rushes to research the cause. Among those exhibiting bursts of creativity is Ivy's own basketball star brother, Sage, who can suddenly create vibrant paintings, sketches, and murals, though he's never taken a single art class. While the rest of the school embraces the creative events that unfold, Ivy is unconvinced the episodes are a positive thing.
Then the episodes begin to happen more often. And the side effects begin. One of which kills a classmate. Terrified, Sage joins her in a desperate attempt to piece together the mystery of the creative episodes before he or someone else gets seriously hurt. Or before the source of the increased creativity can be unleashed on the entire unsuspecting school.
RIGHT STATE OF MIND is a YA science-fiction/mystery completed at 53,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Lovely Jenn!!! Good luck with your querying!! I have absolutely no idea about querying etc but I like your story!! And maybe the first sentence is a bit too long for me - just my humble opinion btw!!! Take care
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Thanks Old Kitty! I can definitely shorten the first sentence. :)
DeleteHi Jenn, Thanks for joining the hop! :) I've made a few suggestions below. Feel free to ask any questions or ignore my advice if it doesn't resignate. :)
ReplyDeleteWhen Ivy’s classmates come down with a mysterious case of creative genius, she rushes to research the cause. Her star athlete brother, Sage, can suddenly paint and sketch like Michealangelo. (Give us another weird example here w/ an important character in the bk., maybe the person who dies.) While the rest of the school embraces the creative events that unfold, Ivy is unconvinced it’s not a positive thing.
The side effects(like what?? Be specific about symptoms) begin. One of which kills a classmate. Terrified, Sage joins her in a desperate attempt to piece together the mystery of the creative episodes before he or someone else gets seriously hurt—(this is a bit rambly & the term “creative episodes” is somewhat generic. Maybe Ivy should have a name for them) Or before the deadly source is unleashed on the entire unsuspecting school.
RIGHT STATE OF MIND is a YA science-fiction/mystery completed at 53,000 words. (Can you compare your work to another novel or your style to someone else’s? Research the agent’s list & find one with similar elements to yours)
You need a bio paragraph here.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Thanks Heather! You rock!
DeleteWhat an interesting premise and certainly different! :)
ReplyDeleteI agree that the first sentence should be broken into two or more, but it's great stuff.
Here's my take:
(Give it a name) High School is burgeoning with creative talent as students mysteriously morph into Michaelangelos overnight. Ivy, senior editor of the newspaper, rushes to research the cause when her own brother, the athletic Sage, joins them. While the rest of the school embraces the creative events that unfold, Ivy is unconvinced the episodes are a positive thing.
Then the side effects begin. (Agree with Heather that two examples are needed and the rest of what she said. LOL! Since I read hers, I cannot think of anything better. I think her whole feedback nailed it, but I tried to give a different viewpoint.)
Good luck! :)
I am hooked by the idea...sounds cool, but I agree that specifics would tease my brain until I would HAVE to get a manuscript in my hands.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing that stood out to me was the length at 53,000 words. It seems a little short (to me). I never got the brevity gene, so I have a hard time imagining a YA with this kind of plot that length. I have the opposite problem. (I am always needing to trim words...you can see that if you go to my query: amelialoken.blogspot.com .)
So as the others commented on expanding and giving examples. You may want to take a pass through your ms and just see if that's something that needs to be done there too. (I don't know if ANY changes need to be made...I'm just putting out a thought.)
Anyway, kudos on coming up with such a cool story idea and thanks for sharing. Best of luck!
I like the sounds of this. I agree with others that this would be stronger with examples of the affliction. Ya-know paint themselves to death or something. A name would be good for it. A combination of Heather's and D.D.'s rewrite would be great. You've done a nice job with the bones of this query.
ReplyDeleteI did note your word count as well. You are in the range, but on the short side. Here is the link: http://theswivet.blogspot.com/2008/03/on-word-counts-and-novel-length.html
YA fiction = For mainstream YA, anywhere from about 45k to 80k; paranormal YA or YA fantasy can occasionally run as high as 120k but editors would prefer to see them stay below 100k. The second or third in a particularly bestselling series can go even higher. But it shouldn't be word count for the sake of word count.
Good luck, I think lots of kids would enjoy it.
First, let me state, I don't have a clue how to query. I may never query because of my fear of rejection. I think I write "outside" the box anyhoos. LOL. So, with that said, I love how you've thrown these kids into a creativity mystery! I'd like to see maybe Sage be in a bind, and that makes it even more devastating for his sister to solve the mystery, you know amp the stakes. Other than that. Sounds fun and engaging!
ReplyDeleteHi Jenn,
ReplyDeleteOoh, I like a good sci-fi mystery. I agree about the first sentence and like Heather's alternative above. I also think inserting a short introductory paragraph is in order, saying why you picked this agent and ending with the title, word count of manuscript.
The inclusion of examples would help explain why Ivy doesn't consider the change a good thing. It could also convey the action that occurs.
End with a little bio (any writing experience, groups, conferences, degrees, classes taken) and thank you.
Good luck!
I really liked this premise too, but I'm going to have to agree with the other comments. I want to know even more! I'd suggest adding in a few more examples about what's happening to the students and what those symptoms are.
ReplyDeleteAs others mentioned too, I had to reread that first line a couple times since it's so long and I wanted to make sure I caught everything in there. I'd cut that first sentence down too.
Good luck!
Unique idea! Here are my suggested edits:
ReplyDeleteWhen Ivy’s classmates begin exhibiting a curious level of creative genius, Ivy, as senior editor of her highschool newspaper, decides a little investigative journalism is in order.
The first of her research subjects is her basketball-star brother, who’s never held a paintbrush in his life, but can suddenly create DaVinci quality works. As Ivy delves into the case, she’s astonished to find herself the only one in school who sees this bizarre level of creativity as a problem.
But soon the creative genius begins to breed other, less desirable, side effects. One of which ends in the death of a classmate. Ivy convinces her brother to join her on her quest to unlock the mystery before someone else gets hurt…or dies. Ivy and Sage are in a race to discover the cause before the source of the increased creativity is unleashed on the entire school.
RIGHT STATE OF MIND is a YA fantasy/mystery complete at 53,000 words. (Not sci-fi unless aliens are involved or it’s on another planet) Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sorry I'm late! I had a three hour power outage last night, right when I sat down to participate in the hop!
ReplyDeleteAnd, I see that everyone gave you great advice! I think Heather and E.B. did a great job of tightening up the query. I'll just tell you what a cool story idea you've got! It's the kind of story I would have read as a kid. It remind me of Down a Dark Hallway - but I can't remember who the author was. I want to know what's causing everyone to be creative geniuses!
Thanks all for the awesome feedback! You are all amazing and it is greatly appreciated! :)
ReplyDeleteSorry it took me until Wednesday night to get to your blog, Jenn. Busy days and evenings filled with volunteer duties and yoga! Anyway, I don't have anything to add as practical or insightful as Heather, DD, EB and the others. I just wanted to say that I love the premise of your story. I can totally see it as a movie; it's so visual. Best of luck pitching it to agents. I'll buy a copy!
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