Let's Get Personal (Part II)

In my previous post, I shared the obstacles my 20 month old son has endured in his little life.  Now, I want to talk about how it has impacted me.  If you have't read about the obstacles, you may want to do so first.


How it felt along the journey:
I think for a while, I felt lost.  I felt like a failure, like maybe if I had done something different, something earlier, my son wouldn't have had so many struggles.  Maybe he wouldn't have had so many physical delays if I had been more persistent with the pediatrician earlier.  Or if I had given him more tummy time earlier on despite the cries.
Maybe he wouldn't have speech delays if we had him fitted for his hearing aid much sooner.  The list went on.

These thoughts would often get compounded when I was with other moms whose kids were similar in age to my son and able to do things my son couldn't.  In fact, a baby at church, just three weeks younger than my son, was walking before my son was even crawling.  My nephew, four months younger than my son, was running and while my son was still crawling.  A toddler just a month older than mine who is speaking in full sentences and singing entire songs.  It was hard not to compare and to blame myself.

I also felt like I was fully responsible for him.  Like I had to devote more attention to him.  Do his PT exercises.  And if I was writing, then I wasn't spending the time with him he needed.  So, I shelved my writing for a long time.  Once the doctor visits slowed I picked up my manuscript again, but it was a half-hearted thing.  I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my writing or with this blog so I found it easier to do little with both and hope something happens.  Unfortunately, nothing happens with that mindset.

My faith experienced a lot of highs and lows.  I never was mad at God for any of this happening to my son.  But I really struggled with the comparison trap.  I had to learn to stop comparing him to other babies and just love him for who he is.  To just enjoy every milestone and stop worrying.  And that took lots of prayer.  Hubster and I prayed often for our son, for his development.  And we would praise God when he took a step in the right direction.  Lately, we've had a lot more praises then petitions.  And all along, God has proven Himself faithful.

So, what's the point?
Good question.  I've struggled with what to do with this blog.  Should it be only about my writing?  But I haven't been doing much of it.  I definitely don't want it to be completely about personal stuff, but I really felt like I should share what's really going on in my life and in my heart.  That's what makes me the person, the writer that I am.

I started blogging because I wanted to build community.  I've met so many amazing blogging buddies and learned so much.  But I believe that part of building a community is being honest and sharing each other's burdens.  So here's mine.  Feel free to lay yours on me.  :)

Thanks for sharing in the journey with me.